kpFerg

Torn
I'm torn... as usual. I find it so hard to live life on my terms. For instance, say I want to move to Puerto Rico and spend 2 years writing a book. That isn't a bad idea after all. I've dug up some information on what it would take to publish a book myself ::http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/pf/20050829a2.asp:: and it really isn't unreasonable, we're talking on the order of hundreds of dollars to get the ball rolling. Compared to the par-3 golf course we were thinking of starting this is small potatoes indeed. And don't mistake, I am not ruling out the par-3, that plan is still rolling around in the back of my mind. Granted getting the book published may be easier than actually selling copies and making money on the venture but these are steps to go through, obviously I won't make money on a book I never write. I have a number of ideas for books but the one that's itching right now is based on a dream I had a couple months ago... based on a war between humans and robots... that's all I'm willing to say to it now before someone tries to steal my precious idea ;)

But none of that is really what tears me... the rub is the little tidbit I threw in about Puerto Rico, did you catch it? Why PR, why not Albuquerque, NM or Portland, ME or stay here in Carolina where I own a house and have a steady job? Well, one part is a girl (of course). The second part is adventure. I admit I am a romantic person, not that I bring wine and candles everywhere I go but the less common definition: imaginative but impractical; visionary. The thought of giving up all that makes me unhappy, trimming life down to the quick and testing myself in a new place, that excites me, gets my blood going and I live for that feeling. I like the things I have here but just the thought of following a dream, with the girl and the book, proving that the things I own are only possessions... that is living to me. Hanging out here, making the best of what I have, trying to find happiness withing myself... that is just waiting.

I seem so optimistic don't I? Why don't I just do it, be brave and follow the dream if only so I don't have to live the rest of my life regretting it? Because I am not the only one with a decision to make. My fear is that the girl doesn't have the same dream I have. If I were able to live life on my terms I would do it, do as I like the girl can sign up for the ride or not.

I still have time, next July is the date I've given myself, I wanted to stay with this job for 5 years just for the heck of it and there is money involved. I may be romantic but I am also logical and a meticulous planner. Still I am torn... it should be interesting seeing how this turns out, I hope I am brave enough to make a decision at least.

KP